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Ever since sophomore year in high school, I was completely head over heels for a guy named Chris. We had a pretty amazing friendship filled with laughter and including the fact he knew I liked him, but that never pushed him away which made me like him even more. Few things happened that ended out friendship, but even that drama was not forever because we became friends again. And then he moved back to his hometown. I will never forget the day he left because he texted me this very long message trying to apologize for the way he hurt me and this and that, I cried so much that day its ridiculous. We did not keep in touch, a while past by and from one day to the next we started talking again, just catching up and topics of the sort. Then came his gf that i had no idea existed and basically said to never text Chris again. Being the person that I am I cut off ties but started talking to him again. We continued to talk in secret and in all honesty probably talked in ways we shouldn't have, But he's been the guy I have always liked so I looked past all the wrong. One again I got a text from his gf and probably a few times this happened. Point is, regardless of his gf Chris would tell me things that now I look back and wonder if they were true or not, what was the point of him giving me so much to hold on too, when he is someone else's.  So much goes through my head that I cannot ever fully explain our situation. one thing is for sure, I would do anything for him just because he asked me, I feel that I love him that much. Although I know I shouldn't trust him including the fact that I'm scared to trust him. I should not believe a word he says. All I want in this world is to be able to go up to him give him a big ole hug and pretend everything is okay between us, like in the past. But its not, so many things happened that hurt me so much. Including the fact that I'm so insecure, that something must really be wrong with me, because I wasn't worth enough to protect, and I can't handle that all over again. I want to feel like im worth something, I want to feel safe. The reality is he scares me more than anything.

Needing a place to just speak what I need to say, more than that what I feel. It is unfortunate that when I have began to have faith, I am so easily teared down. Now I was not brought up going to church consistently or taught to always pray, that was not my childhood. Although I have been through enough in my life to realize that I need to believe in something in order to be sane. I will not be a hypocrite, so I will admit I hate when some would try to pressure me into going to church or towards religion. Doing it on my own has been way more rewarding. I strive to be happy in the choices I make and choose to believe it is for a reason, but just when I think I have things figured out and that maybe just maybe things will be okay... that it does get better I have my very own family beginning me down. It is not necessary, I do not need your comments, everyone has an opinion, but that is not even the case. Saying something just to say it is, and it being rude affects me more than i want it too. The sad thing is I have learned that I should pray and ask for people that have no need in my life to be taken out.. im beggining to wonder if family members will be on the same list.